Transformers: Age of Extinction

Transformers: Age of Extinction

The Intro: Well, we delve yet again into what is the now the fourth installment into the world of the Transformer's film mythos, brought to you courtesy of that fabled artist who specializes exclusively in all things "boom," Michael Bay. What aspects of this "new" film stands bright in the sun, and what regretfully remains locked firmly in Bay's dark gimp closet? Find out, dear reader...right...NOW!

The Good: Giant friggin' robots beating other giant friggin' robots with giant friggin' robot guns. Thats still cool, right? Right?? Well, since this is "The Good" section, I'll leave what was bad for later. There is a part of many a testosterone driven moviegoer who desires fun action without having to turn on a single brain cell or microbe of thought to enjoy. I find myself occasionally giddy with joy when i can FEEL the explosive sound of robot metal crunching in my chest. Those are truly immersive film moments that put you squarely in the middle of the action. Moments like that remind me why the theater is THE place to watch movies. Your mom and dad's basic home entertainment system will never compare to the experiential phenomenon of a 70-foot screen, 4K front projector and full Dolby Atmos surround sound. Transformers: Age of Extinction is a perfect reminder of that fact. And for that reminder, I say "thanks." Okay, what else...OH! Voice work. The return of Peter Cullan as the voice of Autobot leader and all-around good guy Optimus Prime is superb. Of course, you would hope that voicing the character for the last several decades would provide some insight as to how to deliver a natural and personalized vocal performance. This new installment also features a somewhat new and star-studded vocal cast, featuring such talents as John Goodman and Ken Watanabe, who bring a certain gravitas that thus-far has been lacking in this film series. Mark Walburg replaces Shia Lebouf as the central human character, and the best thing I can say is this: NO MORE OF THE LEBOUF!!! If this film has no other redeeming qualities, it at least finally dismisses the box office black hole that has become Shia Lebouf. His involvement with the series stopped making sense after the initial film.

The Bad: I bet you thought I just forgot to finish "The Good" segment and moved on. Well, sadly dear reader, that simply is not the case. That was all the good I had to say about the positive qualities of this new Transformers. There have been only a handful of films where have I have been actively been aware that I am watching a movie. "Age of Extinction" can now count itself amongst that highly exclusive list. While in the middle of the movie, I couldn't help but start wondering if this was the fourth or fifth Transformers film. I spent the next ten minutes talking to myself trying to find the answer to this all-important question. By the time finished reminiscing about how many films I have witnesses a gratuitous Michael Bay "butt shots" featuring past lady eye candy of the month members Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Whitley, I returned to a landscape of fast paced and nauseating action set pieces. I realized I had missed literally no important plot point during my mental absence. It dawned on me that, much like I, the popcorn epic itself literally did not care to invest in its own story. The "story" only served its own purposes to transition to new scenes of explosives and gun-gasmns. And to that, I can say...fine, I can deal with that. You don't pay 12 bucks to watch a Transformers film based on its emotional depth and dramatic intricacies. You pay 12 bucks to see some shiznit turn into smaller shiznit through the process of boom. Cool. I can dig it. But, yet again, I found myself B-O-R-E-D to tears by just how many hollow scenes of action there actually were. If you are going to make something that is supposed to just be awesome, please at least succeed at being awesome!! Don't be boring, which, I'm sorry to say, Transformers: Age of Extinction is. From rural Texas to Chicago to Bangkok and several places in between, I find myself yawning and wondering how many more unnamed robots in whom I have no personal emotional investment I have to witness be torn asunder before I can get my obligatory free 120oz popcorn and extra large diet Mr. Pibb refills, all before heading home to console my broken film heart with a double feature of The Lego Movie and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Transformers: Age of Extinction is a reminder to me that we are currently living in what I call a film slump. A very few standout movies aside, the last few summer movie seasons have left me waxing sentimental for such glorious summer movie seasons as 2008. Where are the surprises? Where is the fun? Yeah, Captain America: the Winter Soldier was an amazing movie, even by summer movie standards. But, one or two great films does not a successful summer season make. I digress. Back to Transformers. Among the many things this film does poorly is its inability to give us anybody or any thing to truly root against! Is the bad guy Galvatron? Megatron? Lockdown? Kelsy Grammer? A seemingly endless supply of baddy drones? The human race? Space god-creators? Inanimate objects turned projectiles? Beats by Dr. Dre? In short, yes. To all of them. They are all THE BAD GUYS! Which means one thing, you never end up caring about any of them at all. Without a central antagonist, you never become invested in what the protagonists struggle to achieve. Because of this, the entire point of the movie is rendered moot, and so is any reason to continue watching. Oh, and I almost forgot. It is becoming more apparent that Michael Bay's understanding of how to develop characters without depending on stereotypes is...lacking. From the creator of the second Transformers controversial "Twins" characters, who relied heavily on what many considered super offensive racial stereotypes, comes Ken Watanabe's Drift. This character draws so unabashedly on Japanese samurai imagery that I found myself distracted with such thoughts as "how did this alien robot become so rooted in Japanese culture," "was he already Japanese before he came to earth?," and "why would a robot who has access to space age projectile weapons decide that a knife would be advantageous in fighting the biggest friggin' robots I've ever seen??" It is just another reminder that I'm not the biggest fan of Michael Bay as a filmmaker.

The Verdict: Wow, that was a pretty harsh way to conclude "The Bad" segment. But an honest one. Look, if in eight months you find yourself scrolling through your Direct TV or Fios cable listings and happen to see a listing for "Extinction," go ahead and switch over for a few minutes and remember past glories of the first Transformers film and... nope, all the others were bad too. But, save yourself as much money as you can and skip seeing Transformers: Age of Extinction in theaters. Its a film that makes you angry that you cant even enjoy robots punching each other to death, and only serves as a creepy and misguided indicator that you may be growing a bit too old for that specific brand of frivolity. I wouldn't wish that kind of thought on my worst enemy.

The Grade: D-  TransFAIL